Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
