is your mom at the bar?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
