I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize