i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
