in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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