We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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