take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
