I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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