I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
is wine microwaveable?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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