the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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