3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
