if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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