Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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