I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
