for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
