I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
