Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
