as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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