you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
