I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He passed out mid-signature
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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