You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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