Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
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