I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Randomize
