last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
