4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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