You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
