He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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