Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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