Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
