I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
