Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
