I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
