everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize