I just pynch a tree in the face
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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