took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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