They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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