4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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