I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
