We need to start having sex underwater more often.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
