I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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