Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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