I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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