You can't special order awesome
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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