You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
