Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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