I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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