dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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