i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
