Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
