how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
