I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
