What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Found the puke drawer
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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