I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My ass is underappreciated
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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