she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
