Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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