I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
