So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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