Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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