They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
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